i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
