wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
