Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize