Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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