everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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