That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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