Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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