She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
