who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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