I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
