I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
