i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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