how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
