I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
