Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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