my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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