he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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