the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
