I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
