You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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