Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The Olympian is in my bed
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