Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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