Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
