I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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