Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
