The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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