I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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