it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
