I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
