wanna go halves on a baby?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
