Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
