does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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