yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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