Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
