i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
