What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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