Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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