My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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