I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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