Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize