Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
