oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
