i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
