I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You're like the curious george of whores
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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