its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
