Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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