if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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