I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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