just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
