Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
