Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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