The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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