I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize