don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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