I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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