I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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