so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
