You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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